some pre-election levity

The Men Who Would Be Mayors

In the 1980 Toronto Municipal elections I ran for the mayor of Toronto, while my good friend Peter Flosznik ran for the mayor of North York. We were candidates of the False Nose Society of Canada, sort of wannabe Rhinoceri. Our platform’s brilliant proposals, most sadly unfulfilled after over 30 years, await brave new politicians to implement them:

Public transit: replace Metro’s car-clogged major transportation arteries with canals and public gondolas, supplemented by moving sidewalks on the canal banks powered by hot air from Metro Council.

Property tax reform: tax the churches, and with that money …

Help the unemployed: provide FREE BEER for the unemployed

Police headquarters: make the Barracks gay steam bath the new Metro police headquarters

Don Jail: turn it into the long-awaited convention centre for American tourists

Toronto Islands:  turn the grounds of the Royal Canadian Yacht Club and the island airport into a dope farm.

Parks: appoint a dog as Parks Commissioner. Dogs use the parks more than people do and therefore know more about them.

Bylaws:  repeal the bylaw of gravity

Metro Chairman: should be chosen by Russian roulette.

Don’t forget to vote tomorrow – for anyone but our dictator-in-waiting. If Harper doesn’t achieve a majority, we’ll truly have something to smile about when the polling booths close.